It has been discovered that Australian coal has a magical property – it is one of a small group of coals which produce an invisible gas with supernatural properties.
This magic gas, carbon dioxide, first became famous for its claimed ability to warm the whole world, thus removing the threat of a new ice age. The British academic who reported this magic power claimed that winter snow would become “a very rare and exciting event.”
Then an Australian guru predicted that just a tiny addition of magic gas to the atmosphere would abolish floods, and billions of dollars were spent constructing water desalination plants to combat his forecast of never-ending droughts.
Then after massive snows in Britain and huge floods in Australia, it was widely reported that magic gas could produce both heatwaves and snowstorms, floods and droughts and even bush fires, cyclones and tornadoes, depending on the way the political winds were blowing in that country.
Strangely, only a few countries are able to produce “magic” gas. A special exclusive club called the Kyoto Club was formed for these lucky countries. Membership fees are stratospheric, but members are rewarded with invitations to lavish UN conventions at top tourist destinations. However, many founding members have allowed their membership to lapse, leaving only the European Union, Australia and New Zealand as fully paid up members.
Coals burnt in Russia, India, China, Brazil, South Africa, Indonesia, Korea, Japan, Canada and USA produce carbon dioxide but their gas apparently lacks the magic climate-altering properties of Australian magic gas. Amazingly, these properties are lost if Australian coal is burnt overseas – once loaded on a ship the magic disappears.
There are a few unpatriotic Australians who think the whole magic gas thing is a big con and just an excuse for a new tax. Worried that the world may become sceptical of the magic gas story, CSIRO has been charged with re-educating these dangerous and deluded sceptics. Vast sums are also being spent by academics to invent more climate-bending properties for carbon dioxide, and regular dramatic announcements are expected on the ABC and the BBC.
In March 2000, Dr David Viner, a senior research scientist at the climatic research unit (CRU) of the University of East Anglia, reported that within a few years winter snowfall will become “a very rare and exciting event”. He also said: “Children just aren’t going to know what snow is.”
In 2007, Tim Flannery predicted cities such as Brisbane would never again have dam-filling rains, as global warming had caused “a 20 per cent decrease in rainfall in some areas” and made the soil too hot, “so even the rain that falls isn’t actually going to fill our dams and river systems … “.