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Taking the heat out of global warming

For the first time in history, people shouting “the end is nigh” are somehow
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Canned climate science

Richard Treadgold | November 7, 2011
Canned Climate Science

Canned Climate Science

Limited distribution licences available now — be quick!

Apply now for a distribution licence in your community. Join us in the hottest money-making opportunity in the last 20 years. This is better than owning a bank –
it’s a licence to print money!
Operators are waiting in your area – call now

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Wanna be a scientist?

Become an entrepreneur instead and sidestep those difficult university courses. Earn much more money than a scientist – but still share the prestige of saving the planet. Obama knows all about it. Can we do it? Yes we can! This is even easier than issuing carbon-footprint certificates.

Already a scientist?

Unleash climatology’s true potential (to scare people) – no messing about with expensive, time-consuming experiments that might not prove anything. Don’t be stuck in your laboratory for a moment longer – get onto the street and smell the fear! Our cans hold the secret to your success!

Running a university?

Distribute the true bottom line results of climate science without the expensive satellites. Never buy another spreadsheet program. Save on all those extravagant professorial salaries, but still keep the mayor and councillors in awe of your leading-edge scientific knowhow. Our canned terror is the real thing!

Know nothing about the climate?

Make lots of money anyway – distribute our range of canned climate products in your community. People love being terrified – the customers queue up for our products and can’t get enough of them. Remember, get them started on our products in Kindergarten and they’ll be yours for life!

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With the recent introduction of A Vague Sense of Unease, our product line is complete, right up to the literally heart-stopping Mortal Terror. Keep these babies going out the door and listen to your neighbourhood scream through the night!

Government certified and licensed by the IPCC under the Tropical Grasslands Protocol, successor to the short-lived Antarctic Protocol, after it refused to melt.
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Sensitive climate

Richard Treadgold | November 6, 2011

Steve Williams said “it was my aim to shove it up that black arsehole.”

People are upsetting themselves. This was tremendously rude, but they say it was outrageously racist. In my lexicon the rude part of it was “arsehole” (a word I never use), which is not being mentioned.

There were two parts to the comment and one was false. Tiger has an arsehole, so Williams was incorrect to say he is an arsehole, because if you are one you cannot have one.

Of course, our favourite system of criticising people is to name them with a part of our anatomy, from the nether regions. Only a few parts are suitable. It doesn’t work to call someone a chin or an elbow. Although it can enhance the epithet to add their skin colour, which is always suitable for criticism.

Woods is undeniably black. In every photograph of him that I’ve seen, he does not have white skin, he has black skin. But people are objecting to calling him black.

Which means that Williams is being excoriated for telling the truth. Why?

Because we demand truth to be varnished, to have some gloss and to sound softer to sensitive souls.

But if the skin is black, it’s black, and why can’t you say so?

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Wrong side of the pain

Guest author | January 22, 2011

window in the snow

A window in the fluffy snow.

Thanks, Ross!

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Ross Muir

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Old lessons good lessons

Richard Treadgold | January 8, 2010
Dear Sir, A friend of mine in New England has a neighbour who has received a Government cheque for 1,000 dollars this year for not raising hogs. So my friend now wants to go into the business himself, he not being very prosperous just now. He says, in fact, that the idea of not raising hogs appeals to him very strongly. Of course, he will need a hired man, and that is where I come in. I write to you as to your opinion of the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, the best strain of hogs not to raise and how best to keep an inventory of hogs you are not raising. Also, do you think capital could be raised by issuance of a non-hog raising gold bond? The friend who got the 1,000 dollars got it for not raising 500 hogs. Now, we figure we might easily not raise 1,500 or 2,000 hogs, so you see the possible profits are only limited by the number of hogs we do not raise.

The letter below surfaced in an email group today (on the right is its earliest incarnation). It’s creative writing and, if you’re in a good mood when you read it, finely stimulating, even hilarious.

But I was moved to investigate. Google gave several recent references, the earliest was May 7, 2006. I kept looking; there are a score of references dated December 2009.

Then, on a blog from Quite Interesting Ltd (www.qi.com), came word it was from 1982. The writer traces it back from 2006 to an entry in Hansard in October 1994. I urge you to take a look; the story is interesting enough, to be sure.

The matter has by now quite fastened on our writer’s imagination and he presses his investigation on and on, discovering it on both sides of the Atlantic and in ever earlier decades. Eventually he turns it up, almost fully formed, in 1935, with beginnings in Hansard, no less, in a shipping context, in 1934!

Old or new, early or late, it contains elementary economics lessons for ever. Not to mention some of the driest British (or American) humour you’ll find anywhere.


NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT

Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR

16 July 2009

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business. Read more… »

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Humour

Richard Treadgold | January 4, 2010

Our laughter can wound or caress. It’s hard to laugh with real amusement at our enemy because it feels like embracing them. We don’t want to approve.

I invite you to do so now. Of course, this cartoon isn’t a bit funny. Is it?

Climate cartoon

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